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Why women stay
Written by Melissa Estrada

Despite how far we have come with women’s rights and issues a question we are often asked in regards to our work with domestic violence by friends and family members is why, if a woman is being abused by her husband, if her children are in harms way, why does she continue to stay? Why not just leave at the first given opportunity?

The answer is not a single, simple explanation, but can vary depending on a woman’s individual situation. The obstacles women may face in leaving are many and can include financial barriers, self-esteem issues, and fear that the violence will escalate upon leaving.

Many of the individuals who claim that once abused they would leave right away, do not identify with the claim that leaving is a process. In many situations, a woman’s relationship did not begin with abuse. The relationship began like many healthy ones, with courtship and romance. A woman may find it difficult to accept that the man she once loved has turned violent and dangerous. Many women just want the abuse to stop, and may continue to give her partner second and third chances until she accepts that the probability of him stopping the behavior is slim.

The idea that her partner may become more violent upon her leaving to a shelter or safe haven like Samaritan House is not unfounded. Lethality has proven to be highest when a woman makes her decision to leave. In fact ¾ of battered women seeking emergency medical service sustained injuries after leaving her batterer.

The National Domestic Violence hotline defines domestic violence as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse can be sexual, physical, emotional, or economic. Some men will not allow their partners to work, or will control the household finances so that she has to ask him for money. These situations leave women entirely financially dependent on their partners, leaving her to believe that she must choose between a life on the streets or a life of abuse. When there are children involved, many women opt to make the sacrifice so that their children do not have to know a life of homelessness or poverty.

Shelters such as Samaritan House exist so that women do not have to decide between their safety and survival. Samaritan House offers individuals in crisis resources to help them out of abusive situations. When an individual calls our crisis line, an assessment of their safety is performed. Each woman is guided through safety planning so that when she is ready, she can make a safe escape. Once admitted into shelter, she and her children are assigned a case manager who assists them with anything they may need, including food, clothing, job skills training, and goal planning.

In Her Shoes
Imagining what it would be like to be a woman in a domestic violence situation may help to explain the complexities of why a woman might choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Please imagine yourself as a married woman with small children…

And your abusive husband leaves unexpectedly for a business trip, you have just 24 hours to pack up your things and leave,
And you see your purse by the door, with only $50 in cash, no check card, no credit card, no checkbook because he took them all away from you,
Trying to decide whether the two bags you can carry will be enough to sustain you and your children for weeks, possibly years
Imagine that your family has never understood why you couldn’t tell them where you’re going because he could find you
Your youngest has just fallen sick, and the cab fare to the nearest shelter is $45, not enough to cover both the fare and the medication that will make her better
That you had to leave the house whose halls you paced when you first gave birth, on whose walls hang all your memories from the past 10 years
Imagine wanting to just lay your head on your pillow and tell yourself that you’ll think about this tomorrow, or not at all.

Did You Know?

In 2005, there were 3,632 reported violent crimes against family and dating partners
In 2006, 51,652 individuals in crisis situations contacted Virginia domestic violence programs
In 2005, 30% of all homicides were related to intimate partner violence
Between 2000 and 2006, the number of women and children staying in domestic violence shelters has doubled
In 2005, 20 children were killed by their caregiver in Virginia
60% of Samaritan House clients are children
In FY 2007 Samaritan House took 6,984 calls for shelter
We could not accommodate 2,289 of them due to lack of space